Big Bertha

Or: How to Get Properly Bombed

Bertha Krupp von Bohlen und Halbach, namesake of the most terrifying artillery of her age.

I love a French 75 cocktail as much as the next hooch guzzler. Discreet amounts of simple syrup and freshly squeezed lemon juice provide a refreshing balance of sweet and sour to the beverage, a heavy pour of champagne lends a celebratory air, and the shot of gin (or brandy) they camouflage sneaks up on you like a damp assassin.

It’s no wonder the drink was named for France’s most powerful piece of early 20th Century weaponry.

But these troubled times call for stronger medicine, so I’ve decided to call out the big guns and follow the Prussian (later German) habit of taking something that wasn’t theirs (Alsace-Lorraine, in this case), fortifying it, and claiming it as their own.

Though the soixante-quinze (75 millimeter) was once France’s favorite field artillery, the Germans had something far more terrifying: a 420 millimeter siege gun capable of lobbing 1,800 pound shells nicknamed “Big Bertha” (Dicke Bertha in the original German), after the heir to the Krupps munitions fortune, Bertha Krupp von Bohlen und Halbach.

While no one would ever have accused the actual Bertha of being large, herself, the lady’s namesake was capable of flattening fortresses and pretty much anything else that got in its way. Just ask poor little Belgium. Or Northern France.

I won’t weigh you down with endless paragraphs devoted to the comparative merits of early 20th Century field artillery because we’re all far too busy these days dealing with the world going to hell.

And so, Dear Reader, I will simply leave you with a potent cocktail of my own making. In the spirit of altes Deutchland, I have taken something that wasn’t mine (the French 750, fortified it (with an appropriately-themed spirit), and claimed it as my own— The Big Bertha.

Or die Dicke Bertha, if you prefer the original German.

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Give it a try, if you like, and I promise not to make any more jokes about getting properly bombed. (Also, I do realize that the Germans of today are sehr cool, on the whole, so there is no need to explain that to me. Thank you.)

The Big Bertha

This cocktail is much easier to assemble than the artillery for which it was named, requiring little-to-no concrete at all.