The Last American Virgin
Or: Happy Canada Day
I’ve had Montreal bagels and cloudberry jam from Newfoundland. I’ve made bannock horribly and poutine beautifully. I’ve fried Yukon Golds in canola oil. I was even once the “Measure, Pour, and Stir” hand model for an instant mashed potato company (a Canadian invention, which by now you’ve probably gathered).
From butter tarts to beaver tails, Hawaiian pizza to California rolls, I’ve eaten a lot of Canadian food over the years.
But never have I ever had a Nanaimo bar, which is shocking, considering the fact that my piano teacher (Canadian) spent her honeymoon in Nanaimo.
I might just be the only person I know who’s never had one.
The last American Nanaimo bar virgin.
I grew up in and around the homes of Canadian families. My vowels still get rounder (or longer) whenever two or more Canadians are present.
I’ve nodded politely, sipping ice wine as my friend Mark pointed out where his people “kicked American ass” during The War of 1812/The Fight for Canada on the Niagara Escarpment, and rolled my eyes more violently than a Manitoban during the Clearly Canadian beverage boom of the late 1980s
.
My first legal drink was a Bloody Caesar, made for me by my piano teacher’s younger sister not 40 miles from the town of Nanaimo itself.
This Substack is even edited by a Canadian, for G-d’s sake.
It is absurd that I’ve never had this coconut and graham cracker-crusty, Bird’s Custard Powder buttercream-filled, chocolate-topped refrigerator treat.
In honor of Canada Day, I’m righting this gustatory wrong by losing my Nanaimo bar virginity.
At long, long, long last.
How to make Nanaimo bars
Before you do anything else, locate and purchase a tin of Bird’s Original Custard Powder. I was informed by my piano teacher’s daughter (not legally Canadian) that if Bird’s Custard Powder wasn’t in there somewhere, it’s not a Nanaimo bar.
Settle on a recipe. This is a relatively simple exercise, because every Nanaimo bar recipe is the same. Or should be, because Nanaimo bars are not and should never be subject to interpretation or “re-imagining.” I decided to go to the source by using the recipe posted on the city of Nanaimo’s own website. [Note: The Nanaimo bars featured in the faux movie poster illustrated at the top of the page are accurately thick-bottomed. The illustration below it is misleading and clearly drawn by an outsider.]
Prior to making your Nanaimo bars in an 8x8 inch-square baking dish, you may wish to line the bottom and sides with parchment/wax paper, which makes removing the bars a breeze and clean up a snap.
Next, make your Nanaimo bars by carefully following the recipe. Give it a thorough read before you proceed. You should give every recipe you try the same courtesy.
Place your giant Nanaimo square in the refrigerator to chill. Watch something light, but sufficiently Canadian while you wait. I chose old episodes of SCTV (not the Edmonton-era ones).
Remove your big block of Nanaimo and cut into eight even bars. Gently scoring the hardened chocolate top with a serrated knife first reduces the chances of it shattering when you cut all the way through with a sharp knife later.
Admire your handiwork. Now cut each bar into smaller pieces because these Nanaimo bars are obscenely rich.
Pull on your comfiest Canada Goose fleece, pop some Anne Murray or k.d. lang on the hi-fi, pour yourself a cup of Red Rose tea (stirred solemnly with a Princess Diana commemorative spoon), kick back, and have the best damned Canada Day possible under the circumstances.
Brilliant! I didn’t even know these existed. I’ll have to give them a try, assuming I can find Bird’s Custard Powder (without having to order from a company whose name begins with “A”, ends with “n”, and contains six letters).
Growing up in the 80’s I knew of 2 Canadian things, Canada Dry and Canada Life. Both were present in my house, then the 90’s Degrassi High and one of my Dublin cousins married a Canadian. They visited us and I being 11 at the time of course brought them to the pub where he asked me if I wanted a Pop, I nearly fell off the seat laughing and said oh I have a small glass of stout and then he nearly fell off in shock!