67 Comments

Where might one purchase 76,987,891 pies on short notice please? Asking for a country.

Expand full comment

That's a whole lotta custard to fling.

Expand full comment

We can do hard things.

Expand full comment

Also semi-solid things

Expand full comment

And, given enough notice, gassy things.

Expand full comment

Yeah, but he specifically said no broken glass or sharp objects.

Expand full comment

I could watch that Anita Bryant video all the livelong day. As satisfying as the one from a few years ago where the nazi gets punched in the face. Blech, I hate these people. My fantasy list reaches to the moon and back. Thankfully, we will be just four at the table on Thursday and we are all on the same (which is to say correct) side. xo

Expand full comment

I also enjoy watching Nigel Farage getting milk-shaked. Extremely satisfying! I truly am spending Thanksgiving in quiet and couldn't be happier about it.

Expand full comment

Same, same, and same, Michael.

Happy solo Thanksgiving to us both.

Expand full comment

Happy Thanksgiving, Erin.

Expand full comment

I don’t know…no glass shards, no sharp objects… *sigh*. My fantasy list is a lot more violent than throwing a perfectly good pie.

Expand full comment

I harbor similar feelings, but cannot not incite actual violence for legal reasons.

Expand full comment

I suppose that’s why my brother asked me to bring cookies this year instead of pie and Reine de Saba.

Expand full comment

Hahaha. Although far less messy, they're easier to throw and hurt more.

Expand full comment

Reine de Saba would make a lovely mess but what a waste!

Expand full comment

I love this. You are a wonderful wonderful writer.

Expand full comment

This makes me happy. Thank you.

Expand full comment

He so is!

Expand full comment

You kids flatter me so! (Thank you)

Expand full comment

Jell-O Vanilla Pudding should be sufficient as throwing pie filling. From a box, not pudding cups...having a Semi-Ho flashback. And maybe Dream Whip for the topping. Or Cool Whip? Which is less expensive?

Expand full comment

You are right on the money there, Mary Beth. I have zero idea which whipped topping is less expensive, since I don't think I've ingested either since the 1980s (although I swear there are probably some empty containers still being used for leftovers in my childhood kitchen).

Expand full comment

Frothy lard maybe? Too expensive? Too . .?

Expand full comment

I do hope you’re getting that image framed. And giving it to me.

Expand full comment

I woke up this morning thinking "Ok. You've got ONE shot at this because you're not making another god damned pie today." Should I make it my holiday card? It might be my best selfie yet.

Expand full comment

I can’t disagree

Expand full comment

Not too difficult a choice since I think I have taken maybe 10 1/2 in my lifetime.

Expand full comment

Also, how many trump-voting children do you know?

Expand full comment

None, it's just that most children are terrible.

Expand full comment

If you lived here you’d be more than a month past thanksgiving. We still have people, some of whom must be related to other more … hmmm, sane folk, that are deserving of a well placed pie. By next thanksgiving we’ll undoubtedly have our own version of the marmalade perp and his boyish nazis running our country unless of course your guy crushes our country flat as he promised to do because Trudeau won’t do what he’s told. Oh well.

Expand full comment

Everything just makes me sad right now. And angry, clearly.

Expand full comment

I don't like anyone who is okay now. It's just a fact. But like you I'm going to keep writing. Pure cussedness has to be good for something.

Expand full comment

IT MUST.

Expand full comment

Poor Mrs. Beeton! 🤣 Generous of custard, indeed!

Expand full comment

Seriously. Poor woman.

Expand full comment

She was like, 27.

Expand full comment

I think her husband went on to publish the Sherlock Holmes stories, but I'm still mad at him.

Expand full comment

Indeed. btw, I was laughing at your comment, not Mrs. Beeton. I’m not a monster. Ok, maybe sometimes, but not today.

Expand full comment

I wish we were nearby so you could join our (very) little table. Hope your holiday is comforting and delicious. 💜

Expand full comment

I have no doubt your holiday dinner will be both comforting and delicious because you two are l'il wizards in the kitchen! I will have take out and spend the day in my pjs. Happily.

Expand full comment

That portrait…are you in your Picasso phase, perhaps?

Expand full comment

Very much in a Blue Period and will probably remain in it for the next four years or so.

Expand full comment

Top of my endless list? 🤔 Anyone who didn’t bother to vote. I know there is no hope of rational discussion with zealots of the Barking Yam type.

Which brings me to wish you were here with my homoies, who I will lavish with all manner of culinary experiments and some classics, including an unparalleled Persian-spiced sweet potato pie. And there we are, full circle.

Expand full comment

When someone actually does pie some terrible person, I want them to shout "Pow! Right in the kisser!" à la Ralph Kramden.

Expand full comment

“To the moon, Alice!” Boy Scout’s honor, sir!

Expand full comment

What do you have against Scott Baio? Joanie loves him!

Expand full comment

I have never forgiven him for having feathered late 1970s/early 1980 hair in Happy Days. And poor Joanie. RIP.

Expand full comment

Happy Pie in the Face Day! No, really, it's in today's almanac!

Expand full comment

Holy Expletive! Thank you for alerting me. I honestly had no idea.

Expand full comment

That video of Anita Never gets old, unlike Anita. The bitch.

Expand full comment

I am much saddened to learn she’s not dead yet.

Expand full comment

Right?!

Expand full comment

Yes! Some good old-fashioned political pie throwing is exactly what we need right now. Boy, wouldn't that feel satisfying. Who will be our new Soupy Sales?

Maybe Al Franken could come out of hibernation and take the job.

Expand full comment

I have to tell you I am very grateful for the Soupy Sales reference.

Expand full comment