Dazed and Infused
A different version of this essay appeared on my euthanized blog several years ago. While the subject matter is the same, the essay is new.
It was fun to write, and G-d knows we all could use a bit of fun right about now.
Vodka is the Daniel Day-Lewis of the spirit world. It is tediously neutral, but give it a good part to play, and it can absorb almost anything you can throw at it (or in it), which makes it endlessly adaptable and highly drinkable.
I would have written "watchable" to continue the Day-Lewis metaphor, but the act of watching vodka is only slightly less tedious than having to sit through all 167 minutes of Gangs of New York.
With the help of a few friends, an immersion circulator, and a vacuum sealer, you have the power to create new and exciting vodka infusions in less time than it takes to endure an overly long, historically inaccurate revenge melodrama, which is a far better use of one’s time.
Like most of you reading this, I do not have an immersion circulator, but I do have friends. And some of those friends happen to own the above-mentioned equipment, suitable for making alcoholic infusions.
May you be similarly blessed.
Years ago, I met up with my old food blogging pals, Sean and dpaul, and my even older life pals, Craig and Shannon, for the express purpose of making vodka more interesting to drink.
We’d played around with infusions before and met with great success, which convinced me that one could toss pretty much anything into a plastic bag and steep it in alcohol to make it more or less drinkable. Just suck out the air, warm it at a constant temperature for a couple of hours, and you’ve got yourself bespoke booze.
My first experiment was a simple one: The Clean Dirty Martini (pictured above), which I designed for the martini lover who, for medical or cosmetic reasons, might find themselves with their jaws wired shut. By throwing a few of your favorite olives into 2 cups of vodka and preparing it the sous vide way, you’ve got a beautifully clear cocktail, lightly perfumed with Castelventranos, instead of a cloudy one that tastes of formaldehyde and garnished with potentially hazardous solid food.
The second was an Easter Luncheon cocktail.
When it’s time to sit down with your loved ones, you can now say “no thanks” with confidence when your uncle offers you a slice of Easter ham. Tell him you brought your own this year—in a hip flask. By adding 4 ounces of ham steak, 3 rings of canned pineapple studded with 3 spike of clove each, and ½ cup of simple syrup to 1 cup of vodka, you've got a drink that tastes unnervingly like the real deal in much less time than it took for Jesus to rise from the dead.
If anyone should disapprove, tell them that those who prefer to drink their dinner deserve to enjoy themselves just as much as those who prefer chewing do, and that they, too, shall be judged one day, and by a much higher authority than cousin Kyle.
Anyone for seconds?
Finally, no holiday meal is complete without a decadent dessert. After the long self-denial of the Lenten Season, a chilled glass of pompelmocello is just the thing to finish of your repast with elegant fluidity, and a fine way to toast to Christ's health, may it be better the second time around.
Pompelmocello—if that’s truly a word—is a grapefruit version of limoncello, but much better, because it doesn't taste like Lemon Pledge. To make it, follow my recipe for Funicello, but substitute a generous amount of grapefruit zest for the pineapple and leave out any mention of Mouseketeers.
If you do have an immersion circulator and a fondness for alcohol, there is almost nothing beyond your power. Think of all the festive possibilities at your fingertips. Hot Dog Water Old Fashioneds for Independence Day. Pixie Stix Fizzes for Halloween. Mistletoe Stingers for Christmas. Princess Cake Daiquiris to help cope with your daughter's quinceañera. There’s not a single holiday or significant life event you couldn’t turn into an adult beverage.
Just the thought of being able to theme-drink my way through the calendar year makes me positively giddy. The actual doing of it, however, would be sure to leave me dazed and infused. And I don’t really think my liver could handle it.
But I'm game, if you are. Especially if you have an immersion circulator I can borrow for a few hours.
I'll bet Daniel Day-Lewis has one. He’s probably got one of everything.
Except Oscars, of course. He’s got three.
Neat! I'm trying making the dirty martini now, although our olives are all either stuffed with jalapenos or anchovies. I went jalapeno, will see how it goes.
There is an Italian deli up the road from my hubby's flat that has a handwritten sign proclaiming HAM ON THE BONE - only available early morning on Saturdays. He has lived here for over 20 years and for the first time ever he bought a couple of slices yesterday. He kept banging on about how amazing the little taster he had was, and it's on the menu for us tonight with a baguette and some fancy cheese. BUT I WANT TO MAKE A MARTINI WITH IT...