WELCOME TO SPATCHCOCK
Why the name “Spatchcock”?
Honestly, we don’t know. We’ve just always liked the sound of the it. And we find it amusing because it has the word “spatch” in it. Read into it what you please. And we love the angry/flummoxed rooster with a spatula that our old pal Jay Floyd made for us, too.
Why am I here?
What an excellent question. Perhaps a friend recommended this newsletter to you. Or your divorced, gin-befuddled auntie bought you a subscription for your birthday. Or you’re currently being held at knife point and forced to read this page. Whichever of the above is true, we’re just glad you decided to pay us a visit.
Who is the “we” you keep writing about?
There is actually no “we” here at Spatchcock. It is the work of one person and one person alone. He simply noticed that most of the About Me pages on Substack tend to use plural definite pronouns and he just told me he is very sorry to have caused any confusion. He just wanted to fit in.
Okay, so who is “he” then? You’re really starting to work my nerves.
We are He is truly sad about that. His name is Michael Procopio. He used to write a critically successful blog called Food for The Thoughtless, but he always hated that name. The blog had a good, long run, but Mr. Procopio decided to finish it off by stabbing it in the back on The Ides of March, appropriately enough.
This is what he looks like, if that is at all important to you. He’s a bit grayer around the temples these days, but you get the idea.
When you say “critically successful”, what does that even mean?
It means Mr. Procopio’s writing has garnered wide praise and multiple award nominations, but his blog was not necessarily known in wider circles. Food for the Thoughtless was nominated for three IACP awards, going so far to win one for Best Narrative Food Blog. Sadly, he could not attend the ceremony but instead had to wait on Rita Moreno’s next door neighbors, which was a reward in itself. He is a two-time James Beard Award loser (once for the now-extinct Humor category and once for the also-currently-deceased Best Individual Food Blog grouping.) His writing has been included in numerous (okay four) editions of the Best Food Writing anthologies, and his essays have, on occasion, been part of various university-level English curricula, which he only knew about when random students would occasionally email him asking what on earth his writing meant.
Well then? What does his writing mean?
You really do ask the best questions. And I like your outfit. It’s very slimming.
The truth is Mr. Procopio couldn’t even begin to tell you what anything means. He’s just a flawed individual who finds writing necessary to make sense of a very confusing and often cruel world. He stepped away from the writing life for a couple of years and that really didn’t go so well for him. But now he’s on anti-depressants, has this wonderful new Substack venture, and is raring to go!
What will I find on this Spatchcock Substack place?
Food isn’t everything, you know. But it is mostly what this place is about. You can expect a variety of themes from Mr. Procopio because, like most humans, he has a variety of interests. And in addition to writing this Substack, he is also about to begin the extremely painful process of writing his memoirs, the working title of which is John Wayne’s Balls, certain to be changed prior to publication, but Michael finds the endeavor less terrifying with such a name. That said, some of the weekly topics for writing may include:
• Celebrity-inspired recipes and or stories. For example, you will find posted here a story (included in the Best Food Writing anthology) about a business dinner at a famous Beverly Hills eatery between Michael’s horrible bosses and Debbie Reynolds that he, as their waiter, sabotaged by getting everyone very, very drunk.
• Recipes inspired by the strange lives of Catholic saints and martyrs culled from a book proposal that no publishing house knew how to market.
• Classic and not-so-classic cocktails.
• Periodic “One from the Vault” posts sharing some of the better essays from Food for the Thoughtless that you might have missed.
• Occasional diary entries detailing the trials and pleasures of writing a book.
• Intriguing Photo Essays
• And just some really good stories. Really, really good stories. It’s just what Michael does.
What will I get for my hard earned money?
Another great query. Free subscribers will receive twice-monthly posts, delivered to you via email. Paid subscribers ( $5.50 per month, $55.00 for a year’s subscription) will receive a treat from Michael every week and access to the full archive of Spatchcock treats. And possibly a link to his OnlyFans page filled with images and videos of food porn. Possibly.
So what am I waiting for?
I don’t know! If you’ve read this far down the page, you are obviously interested, so why not just pull the trigger and give Michael Procopio and Spatchcock a go?
